It has been a couple of weeks since posting, and to be honest, I was putting it off. After my last very positive post, which declared my refusal to take Methotrexate, and my decision to embark on a ‘healing challenge’, I must come clean and tell you that I did begin taking Methotrexate after all. I feel very guilty about sharing this with you. Like I have lied to you all. Perhaps lied to myself. But in reality, I am just desperate to get my life back as it was prior to this very swift onset of RA. However I can.
Why did I start on the Methotrexate? In a nutshell – I am very afraid of permanent joint damage and need to modify the course of this disease, and quickly. The longer version: I had completely intended to comply with the conditions I set out in my Healing Challenge. I bought a slow cooker. I downloaded a meditation app. I started attending yoga/meditation classes (in which I’m sure I look hilarious as I cannot do at least half of the positions… but it’s good to get out there and try!). But I kept getting worse. RA can come on very slowly and subtly, over many years. Or it can bowl you over with ferocity, rendering you half-crippled in a matter of weeks. Unfortunately, in my case it has been the latter.
So I was eating warm, comforting foods. Doing meditation. Being positive. And in fact, I am still doing all those things. But my joints were swelling bigger and bigger, and my movement was more and more limited. I spoke to my rheumatologist, who told me that by not getting the RA under control as soon as possible, I am seriously risking long term joint damage and disability. And in my heart of hearts, I felt he was right. While I am scared of the toxicity of Methotrexate, there’s no denying it is a disease modifying drug (DMARDS)… and my disease needs to be modified, and quickly. So that night I started taking the it. I’ve taken it once a week for a couple of weeks … and while it’s no picnic, I cannot stand by and witness my body falling apart as quickly as it has been. No matter how much I meditate, or what positive affirmations I say to myself in the mirror – I am absolutely terrified and need to feel some control over what is happening.
I truly hope that nobody reading this feels let down by my ‘giving in’ to harsher drugs. I had planned to be a shining example of the wonders of natural healing… and I am disappointed I cannot be at this time. However, I am still embarking on a holistic approach. I am clumsily attempting hot yoga a few times a week. I am meditating daily, and eating warming foods. I am not drinking alcohol at all anymore, and staying away from any other medication as much as I can. And I am trying to feel confident that I WILL find the right balance for me, to get my body functioning well enough to lead a more active and involved life, that is not overrun by a body that is deteriorating in front of my eyes. Watch this space.
A picture of me attempting yoga 😉
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A Beautiful Pain 
You’ve got to do what you feel is right, hun. Its your life and your body, nobody else’s. Personally I think you did the right thing – its probably sensible to do the holistic thing as a complement to the traditional approach. That way you’re cooking with gas AND electric(!)
On your side, Luce xx
There is no reason to apologize for what you feel you need to do to improve the quality of your life. Besides, just because you decided to take MTX doesn’t mean you are not still a proponent of natural healing. Those of us with RA should use every tool we have to promote good health.
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